Acting as retreat master ideally will make one as humble as doing retreat: the whole process of 'doing' and/or 'guiding' is only possible when sustained by the waves of support and blessings issued forth by the gurus, lineage masters as well as the collective of past and present practitioners who have practiced in and as the same mandala before. Without the shower of their blessings, nothing works. The retreat won't have results, or only negative results--which unfortunately sometimes happens, when people come out of their retreat more arrogant and ego-fixated than they had been before. We have seen such incidences. But they are not necessarily 'bad'. They only mean to try again, rather than giving up and giving in.
Some may think that 'they are doing retreat' or 'leading a retreat'. There is nothing wrong with this concept as a manner of speaking but such ideas may lead to misunderstanding the whole situation. In actual fact, a good retreat is doing us (not 'we' it), impacting on our resistance to inborn Buddha Nature, bringing into play innate, ever-present and all-pervasive rigpa. It is there always, but we need to be open to acknowledge and feel the presence.
Once the formal retreat boundary is set up and the space has been dedicated to the mandala, a very particular energy is allowed to manifest. Which is why it is important that a retreat has clearly defined boundaries, including established spacial boundaries. Our own contribution to help the process along is to practice according to instructions and maintaining discipline, which sometimes can be relaxed and sometimes needs to be tight.
Once the retreat boundaries are set, and the protectors have been called upon, the retreatant as well the retreat master have two options: they can be open to this energy field, or at least partially open, maintaining it through their efforts based on devotion--or they can close themselves, by feeding their efforts back into the illusory 'I'-thought, which lacks devotion. In the latter case, the retreat will produce no fruit, or worse, a (hopefully only temporary) poisonous fruit.
When Vajratara arrived in Goa for her most recent retreat, we therefore first asked for proper divinations to find out about potential obstacles and for the remedies to help remove them as best we could, before we even started. Then the room and the shrine were set according to our root guru's instructions. The opening puja revealed that there was a chance for a good retreat; no negative signs occurred.
Which doesn't mean, it was all smooth sailing. Very few retreats are. Although emotional roller-coasters didn't appear or if they did, didn't throw the retreatant of balance, challenges appeared in the form of physical discomfort--sometimes severe. Remembering the much greater tormenting some practitioners in the past had to undergo, Vajratara did not give up but persevered despite the difficulties. And yes, she sometimes was in bad pain. Of course, it always helps to dispel doubt by talking openly and addressing everything, not necessarily on a daily basis, but at least every once in a while when the burden becomes too big. After all we live in the age of degeneration and are not as sturdy and unperturbed as the seasoned practitioners of the past might have been.
Retreats like Vajratara's have an effect on me, too--actually on the whole house. Nobody at home is removed or totally isolated from what is happening to the retreatant. We are in this together--albeit illusory, but still. When there is a retreat going on, the atmosphere in my home changes, is permeated in a way by everything that is going on in the retreat room. Anyway, normal social life like dinner guests and so forth, comes to a halt.
It's not that people come to my house for retreat, stay for a few weeks and then leave the same way they came--me staying throughout the goings-on as 'I' always have been. In the light of the Buddha's teachings such thoughts are anyway ludicrous.
Fortunately, Vajratara's retreat ended with an excellent dream omen that appeared two days before the closure and with good signs in some of the substances on the shrine when we did our final puja together, which made everyone happy. The real test revealing the quality of a retreat anyway is in so-called everyday life. In this case, for Vajratara and her family, in this arena the signs also appear to be alright.
It is not easy to represent the lineage as the retreat master, but it is certainly rewarding. There is no place for delusions of grandeur in this. They would certainly kill everything as they always do in all respects--wherever someone falls for them as 'real' rather than 'display within the display'.
Retreats like Vajratara's this year have happened in my house since 2012, sometime two sometimes three annually.
