Here is a short piece
that I wrote about my experiences during a retreat in 2014. I found it in an old file tucked away
in a folder that I rarely access.
Although in the meantime, I have done three more such retreats, one in
2015 and another one in June 2016 and a 6-week retreat in June & July this year, I still feel that my observations could
be helpful to others. These types
of insights don’t come with a shelf life. They are always fresh and new. Which is why I am sharing the piece
here.
In general, I hope
that this kind of retreats can be offered to more people and more often, in the
future. So far, my teacher has not
felt very keen on doing so. He is
a rather private person. He likes
to work one on one with a few students that he has known for years, rather than
jumping into the ‘fray’ of commercialized yoga. However, the results that everyone observes in themselves
who does work with him, and the positive shifts and changes they experience in
their lives would warrant that he play a little more active and public role. At least that’s what some others and I
are thinking.
In Buddhist yoga, nothing
is forced, everything manifests out of your own being, provided the intention
is there and motivation enough to put in a little effort to live a fully
embodied life rather than a life narrowly defined through ‘heady’ concepts.
I attended the 7-day NadiPrana Buddhist yoga retreat this
time with no ulterior motive, like in the pursuit of a particular goal. I just wanted to be quiet; I needed to
relax. Hence, I enjoyed the first four retreat days like a vacation from all of
my everyday concerns. This felt sooo good! It felt like coming home and settling
in myself; letting go of all the accumulated stress from the hectic time in the
monsoon months that same year when I had been setting up my new clinic. In
short, for four days I felt like a happy go lucky child free of all cares.
Day 5 came, and the mood pendulum shifted in the opposite
direction. It brought up deep
resistance. As a result, I felt like not wanting to continue with doing more postures. Likewise, I didn’t want to focus during
the silent meditation sessions between postures. While sitting upright, my body
started to hurt all over, and I therefore decided that I had felt enough into
and of my life and didn’t want to feel anything any more: No energy movements, no emotions no
nothing! Enough of this spiritual
gobbledygook!
However, on closer scrutiny, I could easily discern that
this wish to suppress the free flow of sensations and feelings released by
NadiPrana was clearly a rather aggressive and self-destructive form of self-denial.
I was simply resisting the next step that had opened up
before me as a result of the first four days of practicing, which had allowed
me to go deeper into the subtle, internal energy movements at the basis of it
all. These subtle life giving energy movements indeed permeated my entire
bodymind continuum. Therefore, what
I had labeled as ‘unpleasant’ or even ‘pain’ was in truth the deep-seated
resistance against feeling the energy and bliss waves that naturally permeate
the body when we connect to its fluidity and ever flowing presence. I felt so
much more and in such greater detail than I had ever felt before; and actually
when I paid attention, my whole being was vibrating with energy.
In short, what happened on day 5 was that I became aware of
how much I am resisting my own bliss; resist feeling the bliss inherent in the
free flow of energies through the body – and this bliss is actually accessible
to all of us, every moment. May be
we are resisting it because we are afraid that our narrow minded views
regarding ourselves and our world would simply disappear in this sea of energy,
leaving us bereft of the concepts that make up what we belief is our precious
‘self’; whereas there is so much more to it, and so much more enjoyable, too.
Thus I had two very important realizations:
1.
I had read many times before, both in modern books
on meditation or in ancient dharma texts that all of existence is the
projection of one’s own mind. I have always accepted this statement as a
working hypothesis, or as a basic ‘theory of everything’; yet I had also never
actually ‘tasted’ this truth, or felt it deeply from inside out. For the first time during the meditation
sessions in this retreat, I realized that this view is not merely a theory
about reality but reality itself – a palpable presence free of rigid
separation; or an inseparable free flowing sense of being that can likewise
easily accept and work with the boundaries of our ordinary existence as part of
the flow.
2.
Whenever I had done this kind of slow movement exercises
before in previous retreats or on my own, my attention had been mostly
preoccupied with either maintaining the posture, or feeling pain here or there
because of the stress created by holding the posture, or energies rushing
through. I had been lost in these
events, totally absorbed by them. But during this retreat for a couple of
moments, I felt this amazing connection of body and mind when the posture holds
itself, and I felt stable and weightless at the same time; totally grounded in
‘earthiness’, yet lighter than a feather. I have had this experience in
previous NadiPrana retreats only fleetingly but never this intense, and never
for longer than a few moments.
Usually, the sense of the total balance of feeling grounded in myself
had vanished as quickly as it had arisen. This time there was a sense of abiding in it and with
it, some form of calm abiding. It
persisted; it could be explored and relished.
Post retreat, I am noticing that my capacity to hold my
breath has deepened, my fear for heights has considerably reduced. I also
discovered how strong the tendency is In me to put myself down and deny my
capabilities. The events on day 5
and 6 brought to my attention how much and how often I am stopping myself or shutting
myself down when I am just starting to experience some of the most amazing
feelings and realizations that I have ever had, or presently have.
By noticing this tendency, it naturally vanishes. I can enjoy being alive a whole lot
more. Considering how short our human
lives really are, enjoying the moment as it arises and disappears is a precious
gift. I don’t underestimate its
value any longer.
I thank my teacher Choyin Dorje for his constant guidance.
Dr. Shikha
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